Why Can't We Just Relax? (The Invisible Load Women Carry)

I crawled into bed the other night, exhausted in that bone-deep way only a full day can bring.
Lights off. Sheets pulled up. Eyes closed.

And then…

Did I lock the back door?
Did I reply to that email?
I need to schedule the oil change.
What am I making for dinner tomorrow?

It’s like my brain waited all day to throw a parade of unfinished business right as I was trying to rest.

Meanwhile—my husband? Asleep in minutes. Quiet. Still. Not a thought in sight.

I’m not mad about it. But I am curious.

Why is it that so many women carry this kind of weight—the invisible load—day after day, night after night?

We don’t just manage tasks.
We manage the thinking behind the tasks.

We remember the birthdays, the allergy meds, the groceries, the friend who’s hurting, the child’s form that’s due tomorrow—where did I put the new beach towels?

We anticipate needs, read between lines, check in, hold space, plan ahead.
And when everything’s finally quiet—we still can’t relax.

We say we want to relax.
We even schedule it into calendars filled with color-coded chaos.

But when the moment comes… the list wins.
The guilt creeps in. The mind races.
And before we know it, we’ve “relaxed” by folding laundry in front of a half-watched movie, phone in hand, thinking of what’s next.

Somehow, we’ve become experts at not relaxing.
Because relaxing feels indulgent.
Because there’s always someone who needs something.
Because resting feels like we’re falling behind.

Somewhere along the way, we learned to carry it all.
The planning, the remembering, the caretaking.
It became second nature… even when it came at our own expense.

We’ve been doing it for so long, we don’t even question it—but maybe it’s time we did.

I’ve started practicing tiny acts of rest:

• Letting the laundry sit another day
• Leaving a dish in the sink
• Sitting in the quiet without picking up my phone
• Saying no, kindly but firmly
• Letting go of the idea that I need to “earn” down time

The truth? Just reading that list still makes me anxious! (Not kidding!)
My first thought is, “But if I leave it… it piles up. And then it’s just that much more tomorrow.”

That feeling is real. And it’s exactly why rest takes practice.
Because sometimes, what we’re actually trying to outrun isn’t the mess… it’s the fear of falling behind.

But little by little, I’m learning to trust that things can wait—and that I’ll still be okay if they do.

And little by little, I’m learning:

Rest isn’t something we earn by doing enough.
It’s something we need to keep going.

One thing that’s helped me quiet the mental swirl at bedtime? I call it my “landing hour.”

I set a timer on my watch to go off an hour before bed. That little beep isn’t just a reminder—it’s a signal that it’s my time now.

I use that hour to:

• Do a final check on my to-do list (nothing more, nothing less)
• Turn off the screens
• Take a melatonin
• Move through my self-care routine
• Tidy up the house so I wake up to peace, not chaos
• Lay out my clothes (and sometimes even sleep in my workout gear)
• Decide what’s for dinner tomorrow

This has given me space to settle in—not crash into bed still spinning.

And learning how to unwind?
I’m still figuring that out.
One quiet night at a time...some nights whispering to myself, "you did enough." 

This is just one of the many things we’ll be exploring together at the upcoming Humble Hearth Women’s Retreat.
If this speaks to you, stay tuned—I can't wait to share with you!